i feel guilt, breaking
my own promises
and yet my feet drag me
to unwanted destination
everyday, every night
promises made anew
and lies to fight
that gut feeling inside
yet my feet go on
towards an untoward
for i lack a mirror
to reflect upon my deeds
i am being watched
through the annals of time
befitting, it seems
that i’m stuck in the present
for past has already
tarnished itself through me
and the future appears just
to tease before disappearing
i am beholden to time
enough to be imprisoned forever
and yet free to feel
my failures over and over
in the middle of the city
away from serenity
there’s a place noisy and loud
underneath polluted cloud
i like it here, it’s nice
the bustle, the noise
makes me part of humanity
maintaining my sanity
but what’s that i see morphing
connected humans, quietly working
never seeing eye to eye
never a hello, never a bye
the blaring roars are gone now
don’t know why, don’t know how
all i hear is silence, shitty
right in the middle of the city
the days of sunshine and rain
are now a memory, a dream distant
wish i could relive them again
and drown the sorrow this instant
why can’t the mirror see that far
but just a moment passed instead
and reassure gloom it won the war
reveling coldly in those eyes dead
all i’m left with are memories now
for my present is forever alone
but can the furure be hopeful somehow
or all my happiness is forever gone
I feel alone. In this vast ocean of people, all I wanted was to be able to stand on my own. To be someone. Someone who mattered. But right now, it seems I am granted my wish in the cruelest way possible. I am that one drop of water in the ocean who is somehow flowing, not by its own will, but because every drop around it wants to flow. They choose the direction, they choose the speed. They choose the destination. I feel I am supposed to just listen. Helpless, while other droplets, seemingly happy with their choice, going with the flow. I don’t know if I brought this upon myself or is this exactly what they call destiny. I don’t know if I even believe in something as random as destiny. I feel so lost I can’t help but wonder how things would’ve gone differently had everything went exactly as planned by that droplet a decade ago. To wake up and look in the mirror everyday, wondering if this day would be any different. To look into the eyes of everyone else, knowing what exactly they are thinking of you. I have no idea how long will I be able to keep up with this charade. Will I break soon? Or will I be able to handle this? I feel I am so far down the tunnel that I can’t go back. And yet not close enough to the end to see the light at the end of it. All I wanted was to stand out. To get an opportunity, to get a chance that I truly believe I deserve. And yet I here I stand alone. With my wish granted in the cruelest way possible.
a well oiled machine
this body
oh, how things change
with just a cold
a day goes by
hours, spent
but without you
eternity, it meant
Sleepless nights
An unnerving dream
A horrifying question
A scarier reality
The net was down today. It’s one of the most frustrating experience one could possibly have. I know we are not supposed to rely so heavily on it but we are way past that. Not being able to function properly with just the knowledge of the absence of Internet gets me into a crazy state of mind. It doesn’t matter of I need to use it immediately… Just the idea of its absence makes me cringe. Maybe I’ll handle myself well next time. This is not one of those.
