a rucksack full of clothes
memories, in every pocket
and one old, bulky laptop
to relive them all
i find myself asleep now
berth to berth, shivering
forgotten by life itself
and i – forgetting to live
trapped within my own mind
staring at walls made of failure
desperate for a window
just for a ray of light
aimless at the crossroads
dragging my feet on, and on
how i hope this sack were light
and i’d just find home
i used to be someone
not special, just unique
floating with confidence
in the air free
look at me now
disgust and pity is all
that can be conjured
through those eyes
i lost my way trying
too hard to please others
knowing my futile actions
would betray my cause
and now i stand again
at the crossroads of choice
crossing my fingers
for life to unpause
stuck in here with nothing but
swirling whirlpool of thoughts
and the devil is calling
for my sins are but a few
the time i gave up on realized
my betrayal just in time
and the time is betraying
for my present is askew
days are darker and nights light
my eyes now bereft of shine
and the devil is calling
for its pupil new
it’s not as easy as it seems to be
for my lips are smiling
but not my broken heart
am i to suffer in perpetuity
for that one mistake one time
but what of all the good i did
to wander aimlessly waiting for you
for just one more night
but you seem to have moved on
it is not as it seems
for my eyes seem to sparkle
but not my dead soul
i feel lost all the time
scared; petrified of the world
for it stares; piercing stares
to make me look down
and on it goes with happy lives
glossy finish and leather covers
never to find a speck of dust
while i bite it again and again
why must i be in a constant battle
without even a chance to prove
when the world moves just fine
with mediocrity abound
i feel lost all the time
angry; enraged at the world
for it laughs; petty laughs
to make me hurt myself
so blinded by the popping colors
now blind to reality
a wish for truth can’t be granted
falsehood is the currency
and on we go, ignorance multiplied
averting truth left and right
all i care that my ego is satisfied
so what if i run away from a fight
i am being watched
through the annals of time
befitting, it seems
that i’m stuck in the present
for past has already
tarnished itself through me
and the future appears just
to tease before disappearing
i am beholden to time
enough to be imprisoned forever
and yet free to feel
my failures over and over
we laugh we cry
we heave we sigh
when kids
carefree
a switch and
grown up litte shits
going precariously through
the motions of life
reality is much harsh
than our worst nightmares
for nightmares are courteous
enough to let you escape
but life, fucked up life
grabs you by the throat
flings you around until
handing over to sweet
death
I’ve been in a limbo half my life. Stuck at the same place I so desperately wanted to try for the first time. It looked out of my comfort zone. A nice challenge. And now, years have passed and it has become the ultimate comfort. all I want, all I need – is to be able to get out of this comfort zone, and into a fiery pit that would make me run like never before.
All I keep thinking about is the various ways i can employ to achieve this goal. And somehow, nothing seems to work. Even if I start the whole thing afresh. I can’t understand why I am being tested in such a manner that all I can see is haze before my eyes and fear in my mind. Does it mean that I don’t have what it takes to get out of the pitiful position I’m in? Am I responsible for all of this? Whatever ‘this’ is…
I’ve had thoughts of giving up. But my mind just can’t do it. So weak! And that is why here I am, a fool, trying and trying to get somewhere. Waking up everyday thinking today will be different, and going to bed at night with just a replay of the past days, just like the days before, jut like the days before.
